Note number one for Eva Longoria Parker:  You have GOT to blend your makeup a bit better. Your forehead is way paler than your shoulders and it is weird, like you’ve got the forehead of a vampire but the neck of a marginally talented actress. You’ve got to make your Makeup Bitch blend! Blend! Or is it possible that you’ve crossed your Makeup Bitch one too many times and she’s now making you pay by doing you up like the Cranky Undead? In which case: e-mail us, Makeup Bitch. We’d like to buy you a box of wine.
Otherwise, I have a query for you: