(8) KRISTEN BELL vs. (9) KRISTEN STEWART

Wow, it’s Battle Kristen — like it’s Iron Chef up in here. I wish I had a dude in a cape who could shout, “Allez cuisine,” and yank a cloth off a table to reveal the Kristens sitting on a table smiling uncomfortably and waiting for Morimoto to come over and check to see if their calves are ripe enough or whatever. 

Let’s start with La Bell. For a while, I kept thinking she hadn’t had such a bad year. And then I went to her archive, and this little baby knocked me in the face:

For someone who blogs about clothes for a living, I have a HORRIBLE memory for any of it — I can fug the same outfit twice, on different people, and not remember it, which in fact I DID the time M.I.A. wore that polka-dot placemat that Agyness Deyn had already donned — and so naturally I’d completely forgotten this existed. KRISTEN. You have a fantastic figure. There are about seventy-thousand better ways to flaunt it; “show only snippets of side-abs” is not on the list.

Nor is “flash stripe of ribcage”:

On the one hand I hope she does not apply these principles to her dress for her upcoming wedding to Dax Shepard. On the other hand, PLEASE, KRISTEN, apply these principles to your dress for your upcoming wedding to Dax Shepard! Because can you IMAGINE the crackitude of that gown? 

There is probably a graceful shotgun-wedding joke to transition me to this next photo, but I can’t find it, because it’s almost Easter and I have to conserve my already-poor finding-stuff skills (like, where the hell are my keys, EVER? I am like Ted “Theodore” Logan’s father up in here) for trying to locate dyed eggs before they go rotten in my house. Anyway, behold:

Something tells me this outfit is the answer to whether Kristen Stewart enjoys these sorts of outings. I would ask her to elucidate, but…

… apparently she’s powered by solar panels, and she needs to go away and recharge.

(4) BLAKE “BOOBS LEGSLY” LIVELY  vs. (13) CASSIE

For those of you unfamiliar with why we call Blake Lively by that semi-crass yet wholly apt nickname, allow me to explain: It’s because of her almost pathological inability to refrain from showing both her cleavage and her thighs at the same time. Not that either of those things is not glorious — the kid has an enviable figure — but she is a young girl who absolutely does not have to work so hard for us to admire her. This is bad, but this is just nuts:

Come on, kid. Who wears formal booty shorts with a top that ornate? She reminds me of the theory that newscasters only bother getting dressed from the waist up, because they know that’s all you’ll see of them on camera, and that there is a whole orgy of pantslessness happening beneath that desk. Blake’s wardrobe is an orgy of pantsless shenanigans. She ALWAYS finds a way.

I don’t know why The Lone Sleeve felt the need to hijack this dress, but I’m far more amused by Blake’s inability to resist poking that leg as far through the slit as possible, as if to say, “I know my skirt is long, but here! Do you see? Do you? THEY’RE STILL HERE! DRINK IT IN, AMERICA!”

Her opponent, Cassie, is no stranger to showing a little skin herself. Somehow she flew under our radar on GFY this year until recently, and I’m not sure why; although we knew about the hair — that tragic LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEE hair — we did manage to miss this:

It’s as if her dress got caught in her panties while she was in the ladies’ room.

I don’t know WHAT this is, except that Leighton Meester probably wants one in every color to wear on her I’m A Pop Star tour. I do think the Easter Bunny would love to put his eggs in THAT basket, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. (I mean that the skirt looks woven. What did YOU think I meant? Pervs!) But is this display of fuggery enough to unseat Boobs Legsly?

(5) COURTNEY LOVE vs. (12) KATE MOSS

This matchup is an ode to the question mark.

Why is Kate Moss flashing butt cleavage while sporting cobwebby hair?

Why is Kate Moss dressed like a hooker from The Matrix?

Why is Courtney Love…?

Why?

What gives, ladies? Kate Moss looks at herself as a style icon; Courtney Love, I suspect, simply does not look at herself, period. Perhaps, as the saying goes, ours is not to reason why; ours is but to view, and vote.