Ice Princesses: The Costumes, Part 1: The Men

Spin, Johnny, Spin!

Fine. We heard you. You win.

Darlings, we had absolutely no plans to do this and in fact, kept stubbornly insisting we wouldn't do it, but you bitches just kept asking and asking and asking. There were a lot of reasons not to do it: too many other people are already doing it, the jokes would be too easy, and most important of all, as we have indicated in the past, we know practically nothing about competitive figure skating. We didn't even watch most of the Olympics because we simply didn't have time. So for you, our beloved minions, we're going to rip on the skating costumes because so many of you begged us to.

But before we begin, some ground rules: Our limited exposure to the world of figure skating has shown us that its fandom, like most fandoms, can sometimes get a little, shall we say, rabid. Know this, rabid fans: If you see a picture of your favorite ice princess on this page, steel yourself, because they're here for us to make fun of them. If you're going to get all indignant and start posting their stats or give long explanations excusing their sartorial splendor, then this isn't going to be fun. Take it with a grain of rock salt if you have to.

Now. We ready? Ice Princesses...GO!

Short Program

Abzal Rakimgaliev of Kazakhstan

Is he a very sad glittery tree or a skating salute to cardiovascular disease?

Arten Borodulin of Russia

What an adorable little toy soldier. Looks like a Christmas ornament.

Brian Joubert of France

The thing that cracks us up most about skating costumes is how everyone agrees to pretend like they don't look like...well, what they look like. On any other man in any other setting, this outfit would read as the sleaziest, most "airport lounge" look you could imagine. The gold chain? The glittery open shirt? The skin tight pants? Come on now!

Daisuke Takahashi of Japan

Japanelvis.

Denis Ten of Kazakhstan

One of the waiters from the Harmonia Gardens scene in Hello, Dolly!

Evan Lysacek of the Unites States

The very picture of rugged American masculinity.

Evgeni Plushenko of Russia
The very picture of stoic Russian masculinity.

Jeremy Abbott of the United States

We always ask, "Why are the costumes so extravagant for a sporting event? Why can't they just wear regular clothes?" You know why? It's BORING. We don't want a skater in the Olympics to come out on the ice looking like he's on a smoke break from working in the mail room.

Johnny Weir of the Unites States

CASE IN POINT. This is how it's done, bitches. Embrace your fabulousness.

Now, we'll grant you, this FrankenBarbie on Ice look wasn't exactly classy or even beautiful, but everyone noticed it, didn't they?

Kevin van der Perren of Belgium

"I am a fabulous little twirling skeleton!"

Okay, maybe it's not such a great costume, but this is the only time we've ever looked at someone in a skeleton costume and wanted to see them naked, so he's got that going for him.

Michal Brezina of Czech Republic

Cater waiter at a Russian mafia wedding.

Nobunari Oda of Japan

"FIRE AND ICE, BITCHES!
I AM THE JAPANESE CHER AND YOU CAN EAT IT!"

Samuel Contesti of Italy

Nothing says "down on the farm" like some Italian guy twirling around in a "Hee-Haw on Ice" routine.

Stephane Lambiel of Switzerland

Before this decade is done, Adam Lambert is gonna have a lot to answer for.

Takahiko Kozuka of Japan

There should be a rule that ice-skating costumes cannot look like something you wore out to a nightclub in 1997.

Tomas Verner of Czech Republic

Cute blond guys with nice asses in little sailor costumes? Pfft. That's what we call "Saturday night" around here.

Free Skating

Adrian Schultheiss of Sweden

Okay, maybe we're biased because - hello? Platinum blond Swedish athlete with cheekbones to die for! But we actually really like this outfit. It manages to combine the drama of a costume with almost real-life clothes. Also: ass.

Anton Kovalevski of Ukraine

God, the WORST is when they do these little unitard tuxedoes. Put some giant 4-fingered white gloves on him and he's ready to greet the crowd at Disney World.

Artem Borodulin of Russia

He should have taken the "Siegfried and Roy" tribute to its natural conclusion and had a white tiger come out at the end and maul him.

Denis Ten of Kazakhstan

Man, there must be such a cloud of flatulence out there on the ice, don't you think?

Evan Lysacek of the United States

"Must...get...these...fabulous...snakes...off me!"

Johnny Weir of the United States

The ultimate ice diva. We like this costume quite a bit more than the FrankenBarbie one. Sure, it looks a little like something airbrushed on the side of a particularly gay van, but the wing motif really works when he's got his arms out.

Kevin van der Perren of Belgium

We're not even going to try and intellectualize or defend it: we like this costume. Maybe it's the colors, maybe it's the thick belt, maybe it's the ass filling it, but yeah, we like it. Sue us.